


Not my fault - Spider-Man

by DSabian



Series: It's Not My Fault [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-03
Updated: 2020-01-03
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:41:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22098109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DSabian/pseuds/DSabian
Summary: “Heya Underoos, what's the sitch?”Peter blinks as Iron Man comes down the gap between the buildings at speed, repulsors at the ready. And quotes a kid's show at him. A nineties kid's show. That Peter only knows about because Tony made him watch it the first time he found out Peter didn't get the reference.“What, bagged a baddie you don't know what to do with? Or did you web someone by mistake?” Peter can hear the smile through the face plate and all he can think is 'not helping'. Tony continues on, floating closer as he does so. “Did you catch grandma having a sneaky smoke and accidentally – OMG Kid What Did You Do!” Suddenly Tony is as far away from the bundle as the alley will allow, flat against the wall next to Peter.In which Peter tests a new web fluid with unexpected results for everyone involved.Teen warning is for the one swearword in there. It's one of the B ones.
Series: It's Not My Fault [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1589605
Kudos: 27





	Not my fault - Spider-Man

**Author's Note:**

> Spider-Man (Homecoming) Avengers (MCU) – Pre Infinity War, post Civil War, (I'm happily ignoring that other one) and let's just assume Nat is wandering around NYC on occasion and Tony knows but figures, meh.
> 
> Also, please forgive my ignorance (willful ignorance as I have not bothered to fact check beyond the bare minimum. I am lazy, people. Lazy), but I'm pretty sure my interpretation of Peter's web solution is lacking. Possibly in many ways. I know in the MCU he already has multiple web types and the main one has an approx two hour dissolve time, but there are issues, as he outlines in the fic, so I figured what I've done here could be plausible. If it's not and offends you I apologise. Take this as crack or AU if it's too wrong. Cheers.
> 
> Thanks to Black_Kat for the beta, all remaining issues are mine.

“It's not my fault.” Peter can feel the suit's eyes widening to their fullest as shock and earnestness widens his own. “You scared me. Like, to death. Well, not literally because obviously but-”

He cuts himself off at the glare he gets. Then he eeps. He's going to die. And no one's ever going to find the body.

“Karen? Karen!”

“Yes Peter.”

“Call Mr Stark. Call Mr Stark right now it's an emergency.”

“Yes Peter.”

“Tell him it's an emergency. A really big one. The biggest.”

“Shall I enact instant kill?”

“What! No! Ugh. I really have to get Mr Stark to get rid of that like he said he would. Is he coming? God, what if he's not close by. Is he close by? He's coming right?”

“Yes Peter.”

“Heya Underoos, what's the sitch?”

Peter blinks as Iron Man comes down the gap between the buildings at speed, repulsors at the ready. And quotes a kid's show at him. A nineties kid's show. That Peter only knows about because Tony made him watch it the first time he found out Peter didn't get the reference. 

The repulsors power down as Tony looks around and can't find the emergency.

“Now, kid, what have we said about crying wolf?”

“But it is an emergency Mr Stark.” Peter points at the well webbed figure buried in the shadows on the fire escape across from him.

“What, bagged a baddie you don't know what to do with? Or did you web someone by mistake?” Peter can hear the smile through the face plate and all he can think is 'not helping'. Tony continues on, floating closer as he does so. “Did you catch grandma having a sneaky smoke and accidentally – OMG Kid What Did You Do!” Suddenly Tony is as far away from the bundle as the alley will allow, flat against the wall next to Peter.

Peter decides Tony must have finally realised who was in the webbing. He hopes Tony also realises he just called her a grandma.

“It's not my fault! I mean it is, but it isn't. She snuck up on me!”

“She's a super spy, it's what they do!”

“Yeah, but, I wasn't expecting it.” Now both the adults in the vicinity are glaring at him. “Yeah, ok, I know, super spy, but... why was she spying on me?”

At this, Tony stops pressing into the stone at his back and his tone becomes curious. “Now that is a good question. So Nat, why were you super spying on the kid?”

When all super spy extraordinaire, Natasha Romanov, aka The Black Widow does is continue to glare, Peter pipes up, actually raising his hand before realising what he's doing and dropping it back to the wall behind him. “I, uh, I think, I mean I know I did... I kind of webbed her mouth shut. By accident, totally by accident, I've never, I would never, there's too much of a risk of someone asphyxiating,” he throws another alarmed wide eyed look The Black Widow's way, “not that you will because the web is breathable and I didn't get your nose, it's just that I prefer to aim for the torso and I'm always very careful but you kind of started getting out of the first lot I threw when I didn't know who you were and so I sort of threw a second lot before I knew who you were and...”

Peter stops talking when Iron Man actually face palms. It makes a dinging sound that reverberates around the alley.

“Ok, ok, I think we all got it. Terrible accident, Nat can't talk but she can breathe, yadda yadda. How about we skip to the part where you cut her out.”

Silence resounds. Iron Man and the Black Widow both turn rather ominous gazes on Peter and he's pretty sure they both know what's coming before he opens his mouth and really wishes they weren't both going to make him say it anyway.

“I can't.” His voice is very small and very high, but he thinks he should be applauded for still being able to speak given that two of his absolute idols look like they want to ground him and skin him alive respectively.

Iron Man's voice is flat as he double checks what Peter's said. “You can't.”

Peter just shakes his head and keeps his focus on the face plate of the metal suit in front of him. He's fast reaching his tolerance limit for death glares so he can't currently look at Natasha. 

“Oookaaay. Fri, patch me into Karen. Hi Karen, what is this about boy wonder not being able to remove his own webbing?”

Peter twitches slightly, unnerved to have his suit and his boss having a conversation inside said suit. Especially as he can also hear the words coming from Tony beside him. Echoey.

“Mr Stark, Spider-Man has recently upgraded his webbing. The new formula remains tactile and breathable, but is much stronger and cannot be pierced by most conventional weapons. It must wait to degrade over time.”

“How much time?”

“Anywhere between two to six hours depending on the surrounding conditions and the amount of web fluid used.”

“And with these conditions and this much fluid..?”

“Six hours. Approximately. Although this is our first field test so my estimate is simply that.”

The eyes in Iron Man's suit can't move like those in the Spider-Man suit, but Peter is thinking they'd be quite wide by now if they could.

Across the other side of the ally there is a huff. The Black Widow is apparently waiting to hear the part of the conversation that did not come from Tony's mouth. Peter would very much like to be somewhere else when she's filled in. Like Australia. Or the moon. Maybe Thor would take him to Asgard if he begged really hard and promised to help keep an eye on Loki? He hasn't met Thor yet, but he feels like he's probably a merciful god.

Unfortunately, Tony seems to feel the same way as Peter.

“So, uh, Underoos, you wanna fill Nat in on her wait time?”

Peter begs silently with his eyes as he presses himself as much against the wall he's sticking to as possible. “Uh, no?”

There is a thump from across the alley and Peter really does not want to know how she can still move anything given how trussed up she is. She's going to kill him. “She's going to kill me.”

“Quite probably but she won't make it any faster because you withheld information from her.”

Gee, thanks Mr Stark, A+ for mentorly reassurance there, Peter does not say out loud. Out loud he very appropriately squeaks in horror. Then whines.

Tony sighs. “Look, she shouldn't have been following you, so you got that on her, but right now, hero up and tell her the truth. Fri and I are going to have a pow-wow.” Then he just sort of, floats up a little and mutes the external audio. Peter can hear him and Friday from in the suit going through options. He's very thankful when he hears Friday putting a kibosh on the idea of trying to fry the webs off.

Knowing that he's just continuing to put off the inevitable by paying attention to the conversation above him, Peter turns back to the murderous bundle across from him.

“Ok, so, um, just so you know, I'm sorry, and, like, I'm a big fan and you know I'd never normally, and speaking of normally, funny really,” Peter lets out a nervous chuckle, “but the usual solution _would_ be cuttable but it's broken a couple of times when I'd rather it wouldn't, like when elevators or super soldiers are involved, and I just thought something stronger would be a good back up, not that I want to fight Captain America again or anything, even with the PSA's, but in making it stronger I also sort of actually made it not cuttable and it's going to take six hours to dissolve and I'm so sorry, please, please don't kill me in six hours.”

Peter watches as the woman across from him has to take a moment to decipher the rush of words he's just thrown at her. Then he watches as her eyes go wide. Then she rolls them, huffs and starts glaring at Tony, still hovering above them, still having an audible to Peter, inaudible to her, conversation with Friday.

Tony must have felt the glare - and honestly, Peter thought, it would be hard not to - because he puts the faceplate up to let everyone in on the conversation without missing a beat.

“...maybe a bit of vibranium will do the trick. Get him to bring the turbo torch too.”

“Will do boss.”

“So, kid, when you made the super sticky web goo, did it maybe cross your mind to think about a super dissolvey... dissolver to go with it?”

Peter just wants to crawl into a hole and die right about now. “It was, ah, next on my list.”

Tony levels a look at him that's equal parts frustrated and understanding. Peter figures Tony could maybe relate to his enthusiasm. And stupidity. “And if you had to try and come up with one, say, in the next hour or six, where might you start.”

“Um, I'd need a lab?” Tony just gives him a look. “Ok, so I'd have a lab, then I'd need...” Peter's eyes narrow as he starts thinking about just what he would need. It isn't like he hadn't thought about it at all, it was just that he hadn't been paying proper attention when he had thought about it before.

Tony waves a hand. “I'm sure you'll find everything you'll need. Karen, direct Underoos to the nearest facility. I'll, uh, stay here and continue to be glared at. I'm sure it's making Nat feel better.”

The Black Widow actually growls. Peter slips down the wall two feet out of abject terror. “Please don't make her angry, I don't think we'll like her when she's angry.”

“Wrong Avenger kiddo, but also, point.”

“Spider-Man, if you'll follow the highlighted route.”

“Yeah, um, ok Karen. Thanks Mr Stark. Sorry Ms Black Widow Ma'am.” Peter waits there another awkward beat, then scuttles up the wall and onto the roof above before swiftly swinging away, following the little purple line only he can see.

Nat watched him go for a moment before she heard a distinct click. Tony had his faceplate down again and Nat blinked at him in clear question.

The faceplate slid back up to reveal a seriously pleased with himself smile.

“Natasha, Natasha, Natasha... Trying to figure the kid out, huh? Well, in case you hadn't already realised that to be a capital B Bad Idea, let me tell you now. Don't. Do that. Again. Apart from it being very bad manners, if I get the notion you're using your super spyness on him in any way at any time in the future, I will release the photo I just took to the press.” He took a moment to have Friday display a hologram of said photo. It wasn't flattering.

“What, I wonder, would that do to your reputation? The mighty Avenger, the great Widow, trussed up like a fly. By none other than itty bitty Queens' own Spiderman.”

Nat glared for another full minute, then slumped in her little cocoon, rolling her eyes and huffing an agreement she knew Tony understood the moment he started cackling. Bastard.

Whatever. At least it was warm in the webbing. And the feeling of weightlessness was really kind of relaxing. And the minute she got out, she'd start winning her fellow spider away from Tony's side without him even realising. Reflexes like his, plus the obvious smarts and willingness to please... Then they'd see who had the last cackle.

For his part, once he'd finished praising himself, Tony took another look at Nat and felt a shiver run down his spine. He couldn't be sure, what with the webbing, but he got the disturbing impression she was smiling.

**Author's Note:**

> Please be kind, it's appreciated, thank you ^_^


End file.
